I'm going to take you back to 2013.
Back to before I became a relationship coach.
I was in a terrible relationship with a great guy.
We seemed perfect. Except that he was always busy and I constantly wondered if he was really into me. (A pattern I'd been repeating for years.)
I thought a date night would fix it. We'd have a scheduled night that we could spend each week together. I'd get the quality time I needed and we'd be able to really connect.
But then we instituted date night.
And it didn't work.
He was setting aside the time, but it felt like he was checking off a to do list.
I was spending time with him, sure, but there wasn't any of the connection.
I felt like he was just doing it because I wanted him to do it and not because HE wanted to do it.
I didn't know what to do. Why wasn't this working? I had tried EVERYTHING.
What I didn't know then, and what I learned, was that it's not about date night. It's about learning how to feel connected in your everyday real life, instead of thinking that if you have the perfect conditions and just get away from everything that it will fix your relationship.
You'll feel great for a bit, and then the same unresolved issues will come up again.
The REAL secret to fixing your relationship is learning how to deal with conflict in a way that connects you instead of pulling you apart.
Did you know that loving too much can hurt a relationship just as much as not loving enough?
Loving too much looks like:
Always giving, but not getting the same back.
Doing things you don't really want to do because you are trying to make your partner happy.
Feeling like you never know quite where you stand in your relationship.
Questioning if you are crazy or if they are treating you badly.
Is this you?
It used to be me.
I thought if I loved them enough, in the right way, I could get them to love me back.
But it didn't work.
Instead of feeling loved, I felt insecure.
Instead of being appreciated, I felt taken for granted.
When we love too much, we push real love away.
5 Thoughts That Are Keeping You From Fixing Your Relationship
1. My partner is the problem.
They get angry. They are a little too close to that woman they work with. They don't want to spend time with you. They won't clean the house. They didn't plan anything for your birthday.
Wouldn't it be great if your partner did exactly what you wanted them to? Here's the thing, as much as I know you want your partner to change, the only person you can actually change is you. Also, you'll be amazed at how the people around you change once you start to change. It's like magic.
2.. There is something wrong with me.
A close cousin to blaming other people, blaming ourselves is also ineffective. Blaming myself was my go to for years. I didn't even know I was doing it half the time. It sounded like: What am I doing wrong? Why don't they like me? Am I asking for too much?
I believe in accountability, but there is a fine line between being responsible for our own actions and blaming ourselves for things we have no control over (i.e. other people).
There isn't anything wrong with you. There never has been. There might just be a few things that you haven't learned how to do yet.
3. I should be able to figure this out on my own.
I thought for a long time that I should be able to do everything on my own. I'm a smart, capable, independent woman. But you know what? If you knew how to fix it, then you would have fixed it already. It's okay that you don't know how to fix it. There are lots of things you don't know how to fix - like probably your car and even your own hair.
4. I've tried everything.
"Have you really tried everything? Or do you keep trying the same thing over and over?" that was some tough love a counsellor friend gave to me when I was in the middle of a breakup. The truth was, I hadn't tried everything. What was exhausting me was trying the same thing over and over.
5. I don't have the time and/or money to fix my relationship.
You know what's costing you a lot of time and money? Being distracted at work because of the fight you had last night. Or because you aren't sure if you should be in your relationship or because you are anxious and constantly thinking about if you said the wrong thing.
That's costing you a LOT of time and money.
I speak from experience on this one. Getting your love life in order helps out the rest of your life too.