Remember how everyone used to be on someone else’s Costco membership? It was like the Netflix of the 2000s. My mom was on my Aunt’s for years. My friend used her dad’s. Well apparently the rules have changed. My boyfriend tried to add me to his Costco membership, a major milestone in any relationship, and because we don’t live at the same address it was denied, which means that I don’t have a Costco membership. Most of the time it works out pretty well for us. I get to go to Costco for free and my partner gets to feel needed for something other than being handy around the house.
But sometimes, every once in awhile, he’s busy and can’t take me to Costco.
This past Friday, we’d been planning to go Costco after work to get some groceries for an event I was helping with that night. That afternoon I called him to check in and he asnwered, “I’m just on my way to pick up my son from school. He isn’t feeling well.”
My first though: But what about going to Costco to get the groceries I need for my event? I can’t go by myself.
And of course I felt a bit selfish, but also… I NEEDED to get those groceries.
I saw this thought. I saw how I actually did need him to take me to Costco or at least it seemed like I did. But I also saw that at that moment, when he was leaving work early to pick up his sick kid, the very last thing my true self wanted to say to him was, “Well what about me?”
So I didn’t say that.
Instead I thought, I can meet my own need. I can take myself to a different grocery store or I can ask a different friend to take me. Sure, I might not get the exact same thing I would get at Costco or it might be at a different time, but I don’t really NEED him. I know what I actually need – groceries – and I know how I can meet that need without him.
And because I didn’t NEED him, I was able to show up how I really wanted to.
“I hope your son feels better. Are you worried about him?” I asked.
I was able to be there for him and for me, BECAUSE I was able to be there for me first. I wasn’t trying to convince myself that I didn’t need him. I really didn’t, because I knew how to meet that need myself.
Knowing how to meet our own needs, allows us to keep our power. It allows us to be the badass women we are, instead of feeling like we need a white knight to save us. I didn’t have to complain, or feel bad, or get angry about it or feel like his needs were more important than mine. Instead, I knew how to meet the need in a different way, which gave me the power to choose how I wanted to show up.
What need to you have that you feel isn’t being met? Is there a way that you can start meeting that need yourself?
If you're wanting to be held, can you hold yourself wrapped up in a warm comforter?
If you feel like you need someone to talk to, when was the last time you talked with yourself and really listened?
Wanting to feel more appreciated? Look in the mirror, really look, and thank yourself for something you've done lately.
(Seriously, go look in the mirror now. It feels AMAZING!)
When we stop waiting for other people to meet our needs, and start creatively finding ways to meet them ourselves, it allows us to show up in the world as the badass people we really are, instead of the damsel in distress that’s always waiting for someone else to save her.
When we no longer need to be saved, then we start getting to choose which knights we hang out with instead of hanging out with the first knight that shows up. It allows us to communicate what we really need in our relationship from a place of power, instead of a place of lack.
I know that badass babe is somewhere inside you. Let’s help her show up more.