“Do you think everyone has a soulmate?” Lisa asked to me, a casualness to the question covering up her feelings of hopelessness.
“I don’t believe in soulmates.” I told her.
Her eyes met mine and her tone switched. This was serious.
“What do you mean? Everyone that I know that has a great love story tells me that they met their soulmate. I’ve been waiting for mine all this time.” She looked away for a second before coming back. “I thought it was Steve. [They’d broke up the year before.] But I hope it wasn’t. Or maybe he was? Part of me keeps wondering what I did wrong.”
I’d been there too many times to count. In the exact place that Lisa was in. Having the same questions. “Is he really my soulmate? Will we get back together? Will I ever find love?” And then when I was in a relationship I’d still find myself wondering, “Is he the right one?”
Love felt like this thing I was always chasing but could never find.
Back to soulmates and to Lisa.
“Did you notice how when people told you their love story, that it’s a story?” I explained, “The couple has decided to think about their relationship, and about each other in a certain way. They have decided to think that they are soulmates.”
“But aren’t they?” She asked.
“Well, they are if they decide that they are. But that’s the thing – It’s a decision that they make. It isn’t something that just happens or doesn’t happen.”
Lisa wasn’t having it, she’d been waiting for her soulmate to show up for a while.
“But what about feelings? What about that feeling when you look at someone and there is an instant attraction? When my friend met her husband, she said she just knew.”
“I wouldn’t tell your friend to stop believing that her husband is her soulmate. The love story that she’s telling you is how she is choosing to think about her husband – either consciously or unconsciously. In her case, it helps her get through the not so great times and allows her to feel safe and secure in that relationship. It works really well for her, but how does believing that there are soulmates work for you?”
Lisa sighed. “It makes me wonder if I’ll ever find mine.”
And that’s the problem with the idea of soulmates.
It makes us wait, instead of create the relationship we want.
It makes us idealize relationship and imagine that if only we found our soulmate, then we’d be happily ever after.
It takes away our power and choice, which leaves us chasing love, instead of finding it.
“What if love was something you could choose instead of something that just happened or didn’t happen?” I asked her.
“I wouldn’t have to keep waiting for Steve to come back.” Lisa answered more hopeful.
Love isn’t something you find. It’s not something that just happens or doesn’t happen. Love is something we create with someone by the thoughts we think every day.
Which means that anyone can be your soulmate, if you decide that they are.
As long as you keep trying to fit yourself into places you don't belong you will feel like you aren't good enough.
I saw a posting for a job the other day. It was a job I’d been fired from a while ago, something I now know was actually a re-direct to the life I was meant to be living. At the time when it happened though, I remember feeling awful. I felt like there was something wrong with me, some flaw that made me not as good as other people.
When someone doesn’t want us, it’s really easy to think that the problem is us.
Whether it’s a job loss, a relationship ending, or feeling unwelcome in your old group of friends, it’s easy to feel rejected and insecure.
Your mind starts wondering about what you did wrong.
How you could be different.
What you need to change.
Why other people can do it and you can’t.
How you aren’t as good as other people.
That isn’t the reason.
The only reason someone doesn’t want you is because it wasn’t a fit. You were a square peg and it was a round hole. Or you were a round peg and it was a square hole.
It’s NEVER EVER EVER because there is something wrong with you.
Whoever you are – someone is going to want that. The right person will want that. You don’t have to give up what you want, or change who you are, in order for someone to want you. You just have to wait for the right fit.
Reading through the job posting – that job was meant for someone else. The person that I am today wouldn’t have applied on it. Not because it’s a bad job, but because it really isn’t a fit for who I am. The vibe of the posting, the skills they wanted, what they expected, none of it fit.
Loving ourselves it getting to know if we are a round peg or a square peg, and finding places that we fit and flourish.
To being the you that you want to be,
P.S. The secret to not feeling rejected when someone doesn’t want you is to want yourself. You need to know that you’re amazing and perfect how you are, so that the next time someone else doesn’t want you, you think “I’m awesome! How could they not want this?!” instead of thinking that you should change. I teach women how to do this though one on one coaching.
I have a confession. I don’t like peanut butter. It’s okay I guess, but if I am choosing between a peanut butter cupcake or no cupcake at all, I’ll probably choose no cupcake at all.
It’s just too peanut buttery for me. It fills your whole mouth and overtakes all of the other flavours. It ruins things. It’s too much.
People used to tell me that I was too much (especially people I dated).
I was too intense. I expected too much and I thought too much. I even believed one person who told me that I talked too much. (If you’ve ever hung out with me, you’d know I don’t really talk that much.) I thought this meant I should be different. I thought that because someone didn’t like me that it meant there was something wrong with me.
I believed these people who told me I was too much.
To fix this, I tried to care less and for years I told myself I shouldn’t care when I did care. I’d pretended that what I wanted didn’t matter.
I tried to change myself because of a few people that didn’t like me.
Can you imagine if peanut butter believed this about itself? Can you imagine if peanut butter thought that it should change just because I don’t like it? I’m sure I’m not the only person out there who isn’t a peanut butter fan. This must mean that something is wrong with peanut butter. This must mean that peanut butter should change.
It seems ridiculous doesn’t it?
There are lots of people out there who absolutely love peanut butter. “You are perfect! Never change!” they’d tell peanut butter. There are always going to be people who don’t like you, just like there are always going to be people that don’t like peanut butter. That doesn’t mean that you should change, just like it doesn’t mean that peanut butter should change. The things about peanut butter that make me not like it are the very reasons why some people absolutely love it.
Peanut butter is perfect just the way it is (and so are you).